how i managed to suck less

During the first day of 2021, I remember just lying down and mindlessly browsing the internet with little to no vision of what I would set to do in the next coming months. All I knew was I’d finish high school, go to college, probably meet new people and turn 18. Now that I think about it, I was barely getting it together as I had no plans or goals of any sort that could potentiate growth in me. Or maybe I had but only they were vague and empty goals—something like I’d grow more, I’d be healthier, I’d improve myself and my shit or whatever I had set myself to do. The things I said just to put myself in the game only to wing it from there.

That was me who sucked.

That was me who didn’t know any better and was a nearing waste of space.

That was me who put off important things for tomorrow because I had better things to do. By better, I mean spending hours on Tiktok (ugh that poison app) and focusing on other people’s lives because apparently my life wasn’t interesting enough.

I could go on and on with this and honestly, I am still a bit of this person I am roasting right now; I just suck less. I became less of the person I’d be more than happy to punch right now. I grew out of her.

From this, I want to share a number of realizations this year that popped my bubble of petty illusions in life.

I am just a molecule.

When I passed hallways and pavements and came across people, I used to feel like everyone was staring at me. I had the audacity to think that people cared enough when in reality I was just someone who happened to pass by—a fleeting existence from their perspective. When I finally took to heart that I am just a molecule passing by and existing, I started thinking less of what people might think of me. I successfully cut at the knees the narcissist in me who always thinks she is somewhat special and people regard her as she would have liked. Nobody cares about what you wear, idiot. They may look but they wouldn’t linger. This applies to a lot of aspects in our life. When we put our shit out there—be it dance covers, song covers, gameplays or just anything you find joy and pride in, people might care; people might not and honestly, it serves us both ways. When people give a fuck, it’s flattering; when they don’t, it’s liberating.

There is no tomorrow.

When I started having health issues, it slapped me in the face. Death is fucking real, dude. I can still remember the time when I was isolated in my room and I started feeling lightheaded. Breathing became a conscious effort and that’s when I realized I was fucked. And of course, as I have a degree of catastrophizing things, I even went as far as thinking how my friends and family would react when they found out I was dead. This virus shit happened and I’d be stupid to think that was the farthest this shit could reach. Something worse will come down sooner or later and that is just how it is. So what the fuck are you procrastinating for? Why haven’t you put out your shit yet? It’s raining profanity but why the fuck do you think you have tomorrow? The thing is, when you realize your days are numbered, your values change and you lean on the things that actually really matter. So yeah, a piece of advice, think about death until it’s comfortable. Once that happens, your silly little superficial values will find its way out and you will start working on the things that actually make living worthwhile.

It’s the little things.

One morning, I was watching The Big Bang Theory while drinking my favorite Milo drink when it suddenly occurred to me how happy I was feeling. It was only then that I realized that it really all boils down to whatever gets me a good laugh. It’s the little things most people consider a side dish when it is actually the main course. The coffee you drink in the morning, the book you read before bed, the hangouts you plan with your friends and all the ordinary things you do everyday are what makes life easier to get by. It’s not acing your exam or getting promoted or getting traction online. It’s the little things, really.

It has something more to do with that person than it has to do with me.

I used to take it to heart when someone regards me less than I expected; when people point out my insecurities, when I don’t receive the same energy I am giving off. All the things that bruised my ego, I took them personally. How pathetic. This goes back to the narcissistic side of me. I read it in a book that we possess some level of narcissism and it’s normal because we are at the center of our experience. But as a rule of thumb, everything has to come in moderation. So, feeling like people revolve around me is one reason why I deserve a good slap in the face. When people regard me less, that doesn’t necessarily mean there’s some beef going on or I did something wrong. It’s not always about you, bitch. Or even if it is, it has something more to do with that person and little with me. So what the fuck am I being worked up for? That person could have problems and the last thing she’d be willing to do is nurse my pathetic ego.

I have absolutely nothing to prove.

I used to ace my exams—something I still can’t believe I was once capable of doing. It earned me a sense of validation and I bathed in it. Who wouldn’t? But when I started sucking at these exams, and failing even, I tried convincing myself that it is what it is—a mantra to create the illusion that it didn’t affect me in any kind of way. This was me projecting myself mighty and strong when in reality, I was questioning what the fuck went wrong. There were times I found myself spacing out and thinking how I went from being at the top to plummeting down at the bottom. I craved for validation. I wanted to be at the top again because that was my value. If there was a value hierarchy, I’d put it at the apex. But that was way way back. It took me this year and a change of values to completely become accepting of the things I used to cry validation for. It’s not only about school; it’s also about my craft, what I put out there. I cannot articulate well enough how different I see the world now that I know I have nothing to prove. Of course, there’s still a level of pressure but now it’s less. I feel more empowered and liberated to do my shit. Life feels like an experience now and not like some kind of a competition or something I need to put together because that’s what people around me expect me to do.

I’m never right; I’m just less wrong.

I could be wrong with all of this. In a year or two, I could be laughing at how silly this blog sounds with all the blabbering realizations. And it’s fine. We can never be certain with everything we know, a thing I learned from Manson. Even if it sounds so right, always leave room for doubt.

These realizations are mainly a product of self-help podcasts, books and the rest of the sensible media I consumed this year. Without them, 2021 would have sucked big time for me. I wouldn’t have fought the urge to procrastinate, cram my school works and delay my writing commitments and all. However, as I have said, I cannot say I have been great; I just suck less this time around.

And I tell you, it’s fucking awesome to suck less.